For Financial Reasons, Use a Condom

I get it. You have a latex allergy. Your girlfriend is on birth control. It just doesn’t feel as good. Whatever your reason is, you aren’t using a condom. But, with reproductive rights on the ballot and a global financial crisis on the rise, you really should be. 

According to CBS News, a normal birth in a Florida hospital will run you $22,015, with C-sections averaging $13,035 and vaginal births averaging $8,109. Should you forgo breastfeeding, formula will cost a yearly $1,870.75, whereas a breast pump will cost $100, plus $24 for 100 bags to hold milk. Either way, you will pay $70 for 10 baby bottles. And what that baby eats, it will poop – diapers and wipes will cost a combined, conservative estimate of $1,450 in the first year.

This is just the cost of essentials. A little baby bear jumpsuit will put you out $25, toys cost around $150 and a high chair is another $120. Holiday gifts, in general, will cost whatever you budget for them, but estimate that they will set you back $200. Your parents’ anger and disappointment in you, combined with the baby’s reverse cycling and fighting with the baby’s other parent will cost you your sanity. All this will come out to a grand total of $29,698.75, with no mental stability, no girlfriend and no guarantee that you will even like the person this baby becomes. 

Still feeling frisky? 

Condoms are literally free throughout campus. Even a latex-free condom will only run you $3, which is a steal compared to the psychological toll of telling your parents that you got a philosophy major with pink hair pregnant (or, alternatively, that you got knocked up by a communications major). 

At the end of the day, the choice is yours: $30,000 creampie or $1 for a latex sleeve that works 98% of the time.