Love 'em and leave 'em

The one night stand is truly the trademark of what the single life is like for a college student. The hit-it-and-quit-it method fulfills a purely physical need whether you are a guy or a girl.

In a good one night stand, the short lived explosive chemistry sends both of you (or at least one of you) into waves of crazy insane pleasure. The bad ones leave you waking with in the morning with the taste of regret in your mouth and smell of trouble in your hair. Either way it worked out, your compulsive sexual behavior would most likely garner a sincere lack of approval from most self- respecting adults (defined as people far beyond the memory of their own college experiences). Or, in some cases, a high five and a slap on the ass from those cool adults who are probably still doing the same thing.

At a small school like ours where word travels fast, you can probably expect quite a few to know what you've been up to before you've eaten lunch that day. You hope and pray that you won't see them again.

So here are a  few ground rules. As a self-proclaimed intentionally perpetually single girl, these rules serve as my commandments. Following them has helped reduce inevitable awkwardness and has allowed me to hold on to something that resembles dignity.

Proper One Night Stand Etiquette

1.    Always, ALWAYS use protection. Seriously. I don't even think this needs explanation. However, I've come across a few guys in my life who don't see it that way. When this happens, I like to tell him how I've always wanted to be a mother, then I'll go off about how if it's a boy I'll name it after him. This works every time without fail. He will magically produce a condom, I promise.  And for all you gentlemen, not all girls are on birth control, so assumptions like this lead to Plan B and antibiotics. (The health center on campus always has a basket of FREE condoms. Grab yourself a handful.

2.    In a true one-night stand, never ever exchange phone numbers or otherwise identifying information in the morning, this includes names. There's nothing more awkward than drunkenly sending a text to a person you drunkenly slept with once, then realizing it in the morning when you see the hook-up hasn't respond. If the sex was that great and you just can't resist, chances are you will run into this person on campus again. After all, this is Eckerd.

3.    Don't do the "leave behind." By that I mean accidently-on-purpose leaving behind your cell phone, jewelry or other things you would have to go back for. It's obvious and annoying. No one wants to have to deal with that. However, the leave-behind trophies like a bra or panties or jock strap are always a great gift. And word from the wise—if you leave your bra/panties behind by accident, save yourself the embarrassment of sending a Facebook message to retrieve these items. This goes for all undergarments. Embarrassing.

4.    Under no circumstances should you feel compelled to eat a meal the next morning with this person. You slept together, big deal, you are hopefully never going to see this person again, so prolonging the time you spend together in the morning by eating breakfast is just plain awkward.

5.    Introducing yourself to the roommates or friends on the way out—also not necessary. Don't be rude and flat out ignore them, but don't think you're going to sit and chat with them about how your night went.

6.    Sleepovers are not preferable. It's called hit-it-and-quit-it for a reason. Get in, viscously (but respectfully) maul each other for an hour, and get out. But if afterward you realize you are nowhere near your bed, my advice is to roll over and pass out.

Ladies:

Let's say, hypothetically, you have broken one of my rules. You exchanged phone numbers in the morning. Now, not judging, but you have basically committed the cardinal sin of one night stands (aside from using protection). Maybe it went down like this: he said a ton of nice things to you the night before, you had sex with him and you woke up the next morning, cuddling, and you were all happy about it. You asked him for his number and you guys promptly swapped digits. However, it's been a week and you still haven't heard from him. Saturday night rolls around, it's 2 a.m. and his name pops up on your phone. You get all excited that he finally texted you and he wants to see you. Immediately, you respond, as you should, with a big EFF YOU. Don't go over to his room to see him because it's so obvious what he wants.

Gentlemen:

Let's say, hypothetically, you want to have a one-night stand and you're unsure of how to approach a lady and be respectful, but still get laid. If you say tons of nice things to her, express an interest beyond something physical and then commit a cardinal sin by exchanging numbers, you should logically be prepared for what happens next. You should expect her to possibly pursue you. Don't turn around and tell all your friends that this chick is "stalking you" after you slept together because she has been texting you about hanging out. If you told her all these wonderful things to her and gave her your number, logically you should expect to hear from her. Then if you don't respond, she is going to wonder what happened, and possibly pursue you harder. Yes, this is kind of annoying that she isn't taking the hint, but don't dismiss your role in perpetuating this behavior.

So what I think I'm trying to say, to everyone, is to manage your expectations. Understand that he might not have the purist of intentions and she might be misinterpreting. If you are both honest with each other and lay your cards on the table, no one can fault you for that. If you decide that you don't want to sleep with the person after you've seen the cards, then get up; put your clothes on and freaking leave. If you're not looking for the same thing and still sleep together, then expect something to go differently than planned (and that goes for both parties).