Growing up gay

Ryan Van Meter's If You Knew Then What I Know Now is an introspective memoir of Van Meter's acquaintance and acceptance of his homosexuality. Through a collection of essays, Van Meter recounts events throughout his life that added to his understanding of himself and that, ultimately, helped to shape him into the person he is today.

Though the dedication for the book reads "to my parents," the reader catches a glimpse of the difficult challenges ahead when, during the opening essay, Van Meter's mother scolds him for innocently asking a childhood friend, Ben, to marry him. "You shouldn't have done that," she said. "Boys don't marry other boys. Only boys and girls get married to each other."

In each essay, Van Meter provides a rare glimpse into the mind of someone growing up gay, and how the perceptions and attitudes of others affect him. One issue he addresses is growing up with the term "faggot." Reminiscent of Middlesex, the essay, "To Bear, To Carry: Notes on ‘Faggot," recounts his struggle and mild obsession with searching for the etymology of "faggot," attempting to find in black and white that "faggot" is unequivocally "gay."

Though some situations in the memoir involve intense emotion for Van Meter, a lack of sensory details regarding his feelings creates space between the reader and the intended emotion, as if the reader must remain that fly on the wall, watching a scene unfold. While the reader might not experience every knotted stomach or chest pang surely experienced by Van Meter, his message is not lost. By the end of the memoir, the reader has no doubt developed an empathetic relationship with Van Meter and a greater understanding of the intensely human side of being gay.